The Silver Lining of Lemons -- Part 01

 

 

I will ALWAYS find the Silver Lining. I will continue to squeeze the hell out of all of the lemons that I am handed or that I find along the way. I will get every last-bit-of-juicy-wonderfulness from those lemons. I will continue to use that juice to enrich my life & my relationships.
I may only have the reserves & bandwidth to take a single itsy, bitsy, tiny step each week, on this journey to regain a "normal", but I am DETERMINED to infuse Morgan and my life with a sense of routine, stability, & predictability. I wish I could make more gains every week, or even some gains each and every day, but ... I realized last week, that it's M and I on this journey. I cannot count on anyone else. I cannot hope for a constant other than myself. I must be my own defender, my own advocate, my own best friend, my own cheerleader. And, in a year from now, Morgan & I may only be 52 wee-steps ahead of where we are today, but at least I am doing MY best & fighting off all forces that try to drag her & I back into the chaos, the unpredictability, the overwhelming demands, the non-routine lifestyle that has been our life for nearly seven years now.

 

 

I have always (...well for the past six years) wanted to sit-down and list all of the post-stroke-things for which I am grateful. There have been numerous occurrences, lessons, changes, etc. that the stroke has provided to me, Morgan, and/or Wayne and of which I have continually and steadfastly chosen to find the Silver Lining.

Now I am not saying that I don't cry or that I am always chipper--because that would be a lie. I have had bad days along the way, I still get mad, there is still pain and hurt, but I always find myself concluding any tiny journey with a grateful conclusion.

I'm going to attempt to list the experiences for which I am grateful here. ... I'll most definitely add to it along the way, but I want to get a few of these out of my mind and onto "paper":

    Silver Lemon...

• #1: that our families were finally able to meet. Our in-laws had never met and only because of the stroke was everyone able to meet (albeit in Harborview's ICU waiting room -- :-| LOL).
• #2: nearly all of the extended-family members from Minnesota (my home) and New Zealand (Wayne's home) got to meet our little Bacon Bit when she was only three-weeks old!! Morgan will always have those pictures of nearly all of her aunts and uncles and grandparents holding her!! :)
• #3: I learned to say "No" -- I had been a Yes Woman for my entire 31 years prior to the stroke. I did not know how to say "No". The "shoulds" and the "musts" had always been the supreme ruler in my decisions. I no longer feel bound by those. ....I want to elaborate on this ...

... and the other 500+ lessons I've gained, but I also want to get this blog posted... 

 

...so ... More To Come ...

i blog to express, not to impress...

Flakey Tooth Fairy

The Tooth Fairy royally sucks in our household!!!! She has only visited Morgan on the first night one time. It was her first tooth, for which I am extremely grateful. ...but I'm pretty certain that the TF would've missed that night too... however, by the grace of the Universe, we bumped into someone who knew Morgan in the Food Court at Sam's Club. She was a grandma of two girls that attended preschool with Morgan. She had just gone to the bank to get her granddaughters two silver dollars ...she gave them to me... saint. 

Back to present day: there wasn't anything there this morning when she woke-up & excitedly lifted her pillow to see the same items she had places there last night. So, I had to actively choose to not hate myself for 10 minutes of tears & a curled-up-in-the-fetal-position little girl. 

Second Chances

I thought that the stroke gifted me a second chance at life, a life with Wayne, that is. And that's the way I "attacked" it--I aggressively examined, researched, sought out, and attained all that I could to redesign the life and love I had always imagined for us and believed was "right there" for us to grab.
...but, you need two partners actively participating in order to create a healthy marriage, an imagined life, a love with reciprocity. ...not one partner with a vision, who is redesigning and doing all of the legwork while the other partner just needs to abide.I never felt like I was dictating or demanding allegiance or collaboration... at least, I never meant to. I thought I'd have "buy-in". I thought my vision was attractive to each of us as a family.

...but, now I see... I still have my vision. Those were my ideas, desires, and hopes of what a partnership could be. For me.

Those dreams are my truth. And I must live my truth and seek out that truth. Then, "buy-in" from others won't be necessary. I can't persuade or encourage or prove what kind of life that truth would harvest.... that truth must be a shared vision, dream, and hope... shared upon meeting, upon introduction... not a proposition, not a decision.

And that..... that will be my second chance. This... right now... is me living my second chance.

Just Because...

Just because someone didn't disappear ... doesn't mean they still exist.

Just because I miss you ... doesn't mean that I still need you.

Just because I'd give anything to talk with you one more time and have you fully comprehend my words, my emotions, and my desires ... doesn't mean that I'll ever get that wish or the peace of having that one-last-conversation with you.

Just because I felt more heard and seen by you than anyone else in my life ... doesn't mean that you know who I am today.

Just because we were next to each other these past six years ... doesn't mean you were by my side.

Just because you don't have words ...  doesn't mean that I don't hear exactly what you're saying.

Just because all of me wants and needs to move-on ... doesn't mean that all of me isn't wishing to stay right-here and somehow make "this" enough.

Just because I loved you then ... doesn't mean that I love you now.... but I do. 

Hey Grief, ✋ Talk To The Hand!

Love this❤

 ...grief is a sort of limbo, isn't it? ... "alive but not living..."

The problem for me is not a lack of desire to, or knowing that I can, leave this grief... The problem is an uncertainty of how to:

1) reconcile the grief with my present and looking towards my future

2) feel again... and all-the-while knowing that I will ultimately lose again...

3) say to grief, "Hey, talk to the hand" when it pops up in my life unexpectedly. 

Looking Ahead: looking forward to my Second Firsts

Life after loss is...

  ... accepting that your "2nd firsts" are just as exciting & okay to treasure & just as good as your 1st firsts...

•your 2nd first-kiss

•your 2nd first-date

•your 2nd first-house

•your 2nd first-dog

  ... letting go of the ideal that you wanted to have only:

•one husband in this lifetime

•one first-kiss that developed into a love story

•one anniversary

  ... allowing a new life to unfold without being too tethered to the old.

Sunrise... promise of a new day

..."[drawing upon] the Grace [i feel in the universe around me], I pick myself back up, I put one foot in front of the other, and I look in the mirror ... and decide to stay. "

Yet again, here is another of Katy Perry's songs from her PRISM album.... She's a pastor's daughter, who moved away, defined herself, married an addict (albeit a recovering/sober addict).... I CANNOT begin to tell you the way her words resonate with me regarding the demise of her marriage and all that I've been going through with the stroke, coming to terms and changing ingrained behaviors and shifting a belief system that allowed me to be the enabling-wife-of-an-alcoholic, the way I lost myself while trying to save him both literally and figuratively, the divorce, the pain, the seemingly uniqueness of our chemistry and love. It's uncanny, and it's absolutely brilliant that someone as amazing as Katy has written songs that truly define my inner struggles. I did not realize the depth and quality of her character until I watched her movie / biography / documentary Katy Perry: A Part of Me ...  it's really quite remarkable and inspiring. And the events that begin to unfold during the movie shed light on, and at the time foreshadow, her songs on PRISM, her most recent album. 

Yesterday wasn't too bad... well, that lasted until Morgan fell asleep... then it became a very dark evening for me. As if it being April 1st wasn't bad enough (being the sixth anniversary of Wayne's stroke), I get a call from the Adult Family Home (AFH) in Lynnwood where he is now living... He's gone out for a walk and hasn't come back. He's been gone for 12 hours and they are concerned. I will update this story and add details to it at a later time/day, but for now... the police were called, because this family has only recently began to care for Wayne (he moved in on March 12th), they didn't know this is "standard Wayne behavior". So, I had to speak to the officer, give the whole history, recount all that has transpired over the last 6+ years ... assure him and the AFH owners that if Wayne disappears or dies, that it is not their fault, they are not to blame, and I would not hold them responsible. "Wayne is gonna do what he wants to do..." I told them...

So as much as I tried to just skim across the surface of life yesterday, and just coast on my ice skates across the very thin layer of ice that is April 1st for me, it didn't happen... I knew to make it through April 1st without falling apart, it would have to be a day (or ice-skating "performance") without any sudden movements or stumbling and falling.... because I knew if I tripped, I would be falling all the way in. All the way into the freezing cold water, immersed in the memories of finding him lying on the bathroom floor, the sound of Morgan's 3 week old "wah" echoing in the ER room, the smell of the hand-sanitizer and hospital linens.

And, on my own, prior to receiving the call from the AFH, I was close to falling in, several times yesterday, but I stayed stable, I stayed upright, I stayed focused, in control (conceal, don't feel--like Elsa says in the movie Frozen), and I continued to glide over the thin patches of ice on this April 1st pond. CRACK!! ...then I answered that call from the owners of the AFH... SPLASH. In I went, immersed in April First Crap. :(  It was cold, lonely, scary, maddening, ... ugh. 

But, here I am on April 2nd. The light has followed the darkness. The sunrise is persistent. There is no stopping the next moment in life from occurring. I find myself a few steps away from the cracked ice and a safe distance to the shore, I'm out of the freezing water, and have been dried off and warmed-up by a decent night's rest, ... and ... I pick myself back up. ... I put one foot in front of the other. ... And as a friend told me back in October, when Wayne broke his leg and the dominoes began to tumble into their current "design" that they lay in today, "all you have to do is breathe"... "that's it. the only thing you need to do, is breathe. Everything else can wait and you need to stop all of the other stuff.  just breathe. ..."

And that's about all I can do. Breathe. ...just breathe, julie... another one... okay, good. ... breathe. okay, again. ... just breathe.......

By the Grace of God - song

[Verse 1]: Was 27, surviving my return to Saturn.
A long vacation didn't sound so bad.
Was full of secrets locked up,
Tied like Iron Mountain.
Running on empty, so out of gas.

[Hook]: Thought I wasn't enough,
Found I wasn't so tough.
Laying on the bathroom floor.
We were living on a fault line,
And I felt the fault was all mine.
Couldn't take it anymore.

[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

[Verse 2]: I thank my sister for keeping,
My head above the water (above the water).
When the truth was like swallowing sand.
Now, every morning,
There is no more mourning.
Oh, I can finally see myself again.

[Hook]: I know I am enough, possible to be loved.
It was not about me.
Now I have to rise above,
Let the universe call the bluff.
Yeah, the truth will set you free.

[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

[Bridge]: That way, no, that way no.
Not in the name, in the name of love.
That way, no, that way, no.
I am not giving up.

[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
I picked myself back up.
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).

[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

Eve of the Death Plea

***I cannot plead with friends and family enough to: PLEASE appreciate your health; soak-in the presence, the smile, & the touch of your loved ones; gaze into your spouse's eyes and see them, really see them; appreciate that your toes perfectly bend with each stride; choose to focus on what you have and all that today offers; live and love as though tomorrow may never come; don't have a future moment, a pending success, or a "someday when" be the focal point of your days and be the starting point for when you can really begin to live. ***On the eve of the 6th anniversary of Wayne's stroke, I am reminded of just how much I had wished, while sitting in the ICU, that Wayne and I had bought "that sailboat" and that I had experienced sailing off-shore with him. ***One moment, one diagnosis, one red-light ignored... it can all change so quickly...

Leading a Fear- or Love-based Life?

Today, the sun is shining, both figuratively and literally.

I have a cleared mind, calmed soul, inspired actions, energized body (worked out last night for first time in 2+ months), and a renewed onus to my "Julie-ness".

Thank you, friends, for being a safety net for me when I fall and for reflecting back to me the qualities I possess and too often forget about. <3 <3 {{{hugs}}}

**let my life be led by love, not by fear**

Quick search for more information regarding living a fear-based life versus a love-based life led me to this web page: 

http://qudrahealing.com/2011/11/23/fear-vs-love-based-emotions-and-their-influence-on-our-lives/ 

https://www.facebook.com/julie.bacon.186/posts/10151909319866805

Sent from my iPhone

Pseudo-widow (...hey! ...that rhymes! ...kind of...)

I hate these nights--the nights where it feels as though nothing soothes the irreconcilable loss and confusion my soul feels. I sometimes think another partner, or just a stand-in for a while, to comfort me would help. But like any widow (or pseudo-widow/stroke-wife in my case), I think the thing I long for the most is my ex's choice of words and his touch and his smell and to hear him say my name. And for him to "come back" and comfort me.
I just want him to hold me in bed, spooning me, while I sob and share how painful the last six years have been and to have him hear me, like really hear me. And for him to empathize and agree that I've done a great job with Morgan and acknowledge that I've chosen to continue living and all the effort that I have put into doing my "work" to process everything post-April-01-2008 (date of the stroke) has put me in the best possible spot I could currently hope to be in. I don't think I have been passive or stagnant in my healing and processing, and maybe that's part of the pain tonight too... why do I still hurt so badly and why haven't I finished this? I just want to be on my new-path that I thought I had already stepped onto and start moving forward... I'm not saying that I want to forget where I've been, who I've been with, or that I don't want to look back from time to time. But I do wish there were less tethers to the old.

As a pseudo-widow, I believe these tethers are confusing due to the nature of life post-massive-stroke-where-a-craniotomy-is-required. I lost Wayne the night of April 1st, 2008... he went into the bathroom, but he never came out. I realized in Feb 2013 that he died that night.  It felt like we saved him, that he miraculously lived, but as I've said before, Wayne "is but a shadow of the man I married and loved".
So, even though he's gone, and I grieve the "death" of him, he's literally still here....he can physically stand in front of me and my mind can't deny that he is alive, he smells like him, he laughs like him, and he can give me one little look that feels like the old-life. So, I grieve, I deal with the loss of my partner, I accept these facts... but then my heart, my head, and my processing gets all confuddled when...
...he knocks on my door out of no where, completely unexpectedly (yes, he takes five buses/four transfers from South King County to randomly show-up on my doorstep);
...he calls me, as he did tonight, crying because he hates the assisted living facility in which he lives and he chooses to call me, the person who was his best friend, advocate, enabler, spouse, confidant for more than 14 years, reaching out to me when he's miserable;
...when my heart gets hurt, on this new path that I'm trying to blaze and map-out, and I find myself going to him for a hug and to wipe my tears...
...he's the one person on this earth that knows me the best and in the most depth... correction: he knows me the best up until the stroke, but we're stuck in April 2008... he doesn't understand the weight, the challenges, the losses, or the pain and fear I've endured and pushed through while raising a newborn and trying to save, advocate, and stay connected to my partner, spouse, and best friend...

I have attempted to capture, and continue to work through, the connection I feel to Katy Perry's new album, Prism. It's been astonishing and wonderful to have words provided to me (the lyrics of her songs) that help me to identify my feelings and pain, but the intensity of the parallels and how her words resonate with me, my soul, my heart, and my head has been a bit disruptive to my life the last few weeks. I am certain that my mentioning her album will be a common theme in the months to come as her words are profound to me.
Oh, and you know what else?!? I'm also just realizing it is Feb/March, and that's when things began to unravel in 2008. And the smells of the air, the sun's position, Morgan's upcoming birthday--they all, subconsciously, are very sad reminders, and "triggers" for my subconscious, of what was, what was about to be, and all that happened.

To follow an ambulance, with my 3 week old (first and only) child sitting in the backseat, while pleading to the universe to allow him to not die before we get to the hospital so that I can see him at least one more time... that is the first of many things I wish I could forget and never experience.

...going back...

I have, and will continue to, post some old blogs that I drafted and composed, but didn't post.
Tonight, I just published one from January 16th, 2013 regarding how Wayne asked me for a divorce...  stay tuned. More to come. There have been A LOT of occurrences, this last year or two, that I haven't had the bandwidth to share....
http://thebaconfamilyfund.blogspot.com/2013/01/recognizing-depth.html

Go HAWKS ⌒.⌒