Acceptance or Resistance

Is this Acceptance or Resistance that I'm feeling?

I am at a point of what feels like so many 'heavy' decisions but I don't even know 'which way is up' right now. I feel all turned-around and unable to make even one big decision.

I was laid off in February and kept Morgan in daycare because I thought I would find work fairly quickly; now I am struggling to forgive myself for paying-out that money each month. However, with that said it's so risky to forfeit a daycare spot downtown and that seemed to be a dumber choice at the time than keeping her at home and saving money.
I accepted the fact that I didn't find a job straight-away and used the last few months to grieve and finally begin to deal with such a big loss and the daily struggles that go along with living with life after stroke and Wayne's eagerness, yet inability, to be independent and a fully-functioning adult.
I have spent hundreds of hours applying to numerous 'discount' programs based on being low-income and disabled. We were accepted to some (i.e., Seattle Senior Services' Minor Home Repair and City of Seattle's City Light and Public Utilities discount program) but have been denied many others (e.g., King County Home Repair; DSHS--food stamps, Medicaid, Cash benefits, WIC, Welfare; etc).
I need weekly counseling appointments because I am finally dealing with the grief and loss of Wayne's stroke, but I can't afford the $35 copay for each visit... that's about $135 a month! And in the midst of trying to decrease our monthly output so that our home loan modification can be approved, I can't justify $135/month on my financial output spreadsheet.
I am now looking at changing Morgan to a school closer to home that is cheaper and to only a part-time status. It has been good having her gone and in a stable place during the day so she hasn't had to witness my melt-downs. With all the 'work' that I have been doing in regards to the low-income applications for discounts and assistance programs, I would've likely been pushing her to the side and telling her to be quiet and setting her in front of the TV anyway. I am BUSY during the day. Even now, I'm wondering if I should just keep her home with me to save on daycare all together... but if I find a job, I'll need her in daycare and it takes a month or more to get into one, if there is even an opening at all.

I feel like I step onto one path and that's not right, so I try another path and that's not working for us either...

As I told someone yesterday, actually it was Morgan's daycare administrator--I find myself talking to just about anyone who will listen these days--I have no idea of what lies ahead and therefore I can't plan for it. One example is I don't know if I'll have a job...

Is this what happens to families that have a stroke at such a young age and can't draw-on retirement early?
Is it just part of the path to lose our house?
Is it just part of the path to be in the 'black-hole' of earning too much to receive aid but not enough to get-by?
Do I just need to resign to these facts and "accept" them or is it good and diligent to continue to "resist" these as truths? Acceptance... or resistance.... ? Maybe it'd be easier to stop resisting all that I'm being told...

Maybe I need to just accept that Wayne has stopped progressing.
I might just need to accept that I will never have a full-functioning spouse again and that it-is-all-on-me.
Just accept that we will lose the house.
Maybe just accept that more than 50% of who I am now is a 'caregiver'. I mean, that's what happens when you become a parent, right?
Maybe I just need to accept everything that has plopped itself on my plate and say, "Okay, thanks for defining my new life for me" and stop fighting and pushing-forward and proving everyone and everything to be not-quite-correct and that we can do this if we just put our minds to it and a lot of effort behind it.

Accept all that? I do feel like that would be easier, much easier than resisting it all. But that would mean the stroke changed me. Especially that it changed the one attribute of myself that I'm not ready to relinquish yet.
Anyone who knows me (and I am reiterating this mainly to myself to remind me of who I was before the stroke and who I continue to be and want to be), we know that I don't take the 'easy path'... I take the path less traveled, I take the more difficult but honorable path.... I will continue to fight that this stroke will not destroy us and that we won't lose the house and that Wayne will continue to get better and that Morgan will not be tainted by the effects of the stroke in our lives...
I will continue to resist because that other path just isn't okay with me. Not yet anyway. But maybe in time, that's what happens. The resisting wears you down and you end up accepting....

I guess we'll find out in the weeks and months... and dare I say years... to come. Yeah, it's probably gonna take years.

Thanks for reading. Love, Julie