Email to fellow 'stroke wife':
1st year: Most friends stuck around for 3+ months & helped, but >3 months, they all began to fade. So I desperately tried to keep the friendships alive, stay connected. I tried to be 'more normal' around them, not talk about the stroke, or the hardship, or the loss and grief.
2nd year: I cried, was mad, felt more alone and abandoned than I did before from just the stroke. Didn't know I could feel more deserted than I already did from 'losing' my spouse & partner. I would contact the friends, expressed loneliness to them and to others, point-blank asked them 'why' they weren't returning my calls/texts/emails, but nothing changed. It actually got worse.
3rd year: I had completed the grieving of it, had enough waves of anger & grief & calmness. Then I was able to let go & then I could see the purpose of the relationships, the beauty in them, and bid them farewell and closed the book.
I've said many times, that it's not just the loss of the spouse that you're grieving. It's the loss of friends, of the ability to be a working mother, of the familial relationships and dependability that you thought was there, the ability to articulate your ideas/feelings/basic thoughts. The unexpected loss is the most painful—the greatest loss was my spouse's speech and functional capabilities. However, I anticipated that my husband would never walk again, never talk again, never drive again--that's what the docs said from the beginning. Big, BIG loss--had a 3wk old daugther in my arms, and so much of what we wanted and always foresaw for ourselves was instantly gone. It was painful … but never did I expect the loss of all of my/our friends. I never expected the loss of family members and having them blatantly state that they can't be there for you in the way you need them.
Now, my life has fewer friends, all 'new' friends, and I am so thankful for them. They have chosen to be part of our new, complicated, full-of-reality life. They are beautiful, generous, real, honest—wonderful people! They also only know my husband post-stroke, so there aren't any expectations, there's an acceptance, there's freedom and forward momentum in that. I no longer feel tethered to that 'old life'—sad, but I had to let it go. All of it. I'm so sorry for the deep, deep pain that I know you are feeling right now. Thinking of you—call me ANYtime!
1st year: Most friends stuck around for 3+ months & helped, but >3 months, they all began to fade. So I desperately tried to keep the friendships alive, stay connected. I tried to be 'more normal' around them, not talk about the stroke, or the hardship, or the loss and grief.
2nd year: I cried, was mad, felt more alone and abandoned than I did before from just the stroke. Didn't know I could feel more deserted than I already did from 'losing' my spouse & partner. I would contact the friends, expressed loneliness to them and to others, point-blank asked them 'why' they weren't returning my calls/texts/emails, but nothing changed. It actually got worse.
3rd year: I had completed the grieving of it, had enough waves of anger & grief & calmness. Then I was able to let go & then I could see the purpose of the relationships, the beauty in them, and bid them farewell and closed the book.
I've said many times, that it's not just the loss of the spouse that you're grieving. It's the loss of friends, of the ability to be a working mother, of the familial relationships and dependability that you thought was there, the ability to articulate your ideas/feelings/basic thoughts. The unexpected loss is the most painful—the greatest loss was my spouse's speech and functional capabilities. However, I anticipated that my husband would never walk again, never talk again, never drive again--that's what the docs said from the beginning. Big, BIG loss--had a 3wk old daugther in my arms, and so much of what we wanted and always foresaw for ourselves was instantly gone. It was painful … but never did I expect the loss of all of my/our friends. I never expected the loss of family members and having them blatantly state that they can't be there for you in the way you need them.
Now, my life has fewer friends, all 'new' friends, and I am so thankful for them. They have chosen to be part of our new, complicated, full-of-reality life. They are beautiful, generous, real, honest—wonderful people! They also only know my husband post-stroke, so there aren't any expectations, there's an acceptance, there's freedom and forward momentum in that. I no longer feel tethered to that 'old life'—sad, but I had to let it go. All of it. I'm so sorry for the deep, deep pain that I know you are feeling right now. Thinking of you—call me ANYtime!
