..."[drawing upon] the Grace [i feel in the universe around me], I pick myself back up, I put one foot in front of the other, and I look in the mirror ... and decide to stay. "
Yet again, here is another of Katy Perry's songs from her PRISM album.... She's a pastor's daughter, who moved away, defined herself, married an addict (albeit a recovering/sober addict).... I CANNOT begin to tell you the way her words resonate with me regarding the demise of her marriage and all that I've been going through with the stroke, coming to terms and changing ingrained behaviors and shifting a belief system that allowed me to be the enabling-wife-of-an-alcoholic, the way I lost myself while trying to save him both literally and figuratively, the divorce, the pain, the seemingly uniqueness of our chemistry and love. It's uncanny, and it's absolutely brilliant that someone as amazing as Katy has written songs that truly define my inner struggles. I did not realize the depth and quality of her character until I watched her movie / biography / documentary Katy Perry: A Part of Me ... it's really quite remarkable and inspiring. And the events that begin to unfold during the movie shed light on, and at the time foreshadow, her songs on PRISM, her most recent album.
Yesterday wasn't too bad... well, that lasted until Morgan fell asleep... then it became a very dark evening for me. As if it being April 1st wasn't bad enough (being the sixth anniversary of Wayne's stroke), I get a call from the Adult Family Home (AFH) in Lynnwood where he is now living... He's gone out for a walk and hasn't come back. He's been gone for 12 hours and they are concerned. I will update this story and add details to it at a later time/day, but for now... the police were called, because this family has only recently began to care for Wayne (he moved in on March 12th), they didn't know this is "standard Wayne behavior". So, I had to speak to the officer, give the whole history, recount all that has transpired over the last 6+ years ... assure him and the AFH owners that if Wayne disappears or dies, that it is not their fault, they are not to blame, and I would not hold them responsible. "Wayne is gonna do what he wants to do..." I told them...
So as much as I tried to just skim across the surface of life yesterday, and just coast on my ice skates across the very thin layer of ice that is April 1st for me, it didn't happen... I knew to make it through April 1st without falling apart, it would have to be a day (or ice-skating "performance") without any sudden movements or stumbling and falling.... because I knew if I tripped, I would be falling all the way in. All the way into the freezing cold water, immersed in the memories of finding him lying on the bathroom floor, the sound of Morgan's 3 week old "wah" echoing in the ER room, the smell of the hand-sanitizer and hospital linens.
And, on my own, prior to receiving the call from the AFH, I was close to falling in, several times yesterday, but I stayed stable, I stayed upright, I stayed focused, in control (conceal, don't feel--like Elsa says in the movie Frozen), and I continued to glide over the thin patches of ice on this April 1st pond. CRACK!! ...then I answered that call from the owners of the AFH... SPLASH. In I went, immersed in April First Crap. :( It was cold, lonely, scary, maddening, ... ugh.
But, here I am on April 2nd. The light has followed the darkness. The sunrise is persistent. There is no stopping the next moment in life from occurring. I find myself a few steps away from the cracked ice and a safe distance to the shore, I'm out of the freezing water, and have been dried off and warmed-up by a decent night's rest, ... and ... I pick myself back up. ... I put one foot in front of the other. ... And as a friend told me back in October, when Wayne broke his leg and the dominoes began to tumble into their current "design" that they lay in today, "all you have to do is breathe"... "that's it. the only thing you need to do, is breathe. Everything else can wait and you need to stop all of the other stuff. just breathe. ..."
And that's about all I can do. Breathe. ...just breathe, julie... another one... okay, good. ... breathe. okay, again. ... just breathe.......
Yesterday wasn't too bad... well, that lasted until Morgan fell asleep... then it became a very dark evening for me. As if it being April 1st wasn't bad enough (being the sixth anniversary of Wayne's stroke), I get a call from the Adult Family Home (AFH) in Lynnwood where he is now living... He's gone out for a walk and hasn't come back. He's been gone for 12 hours and they are concerned. I will update this story and add details to it at a later time/day, but for now... the police were called, because this family has only recently began to care for Wayne (he moved in on March 12th), they didn't know this is "standard Wayne behavior". So, I had to speak to the officer, give the whole history, recount all that has transpired over the last 6+ years ... assure him and the AFH owners that if Wayne disappears or dies, that it is not their fault, they are not to blame, and I would not hold them responsible. "Wayne is gonna do what he wants to do..." I told them...
So as much as I tried to just skim across the surface of life yesterday, and just coast on my ice skates across the very thin layer of ice that is April 1st for me, it didn't happen... I knew to make it through April 1st without falling apart, it would have to be a day (or ice-skating "performance") without any sudden movements or stumbling and falling.... because I knew if I tripped, I would be falling all the way in. All the way into the freezing cold water, immersed in the memories of finding him lying on the bathroom floor, the sound of Morgan's 3 week old "wah" echoing in the ER room, the smell of the hand-sanitizer and hospital linens.
And, on my own, prior to receiving the call from the AFH, I was close to falling in, several times yesterday, but I stayed stable, I stayed upright, I stayed focused, in control (conceal, don't feel--like Elsa says in the movie Frozen), and I continued to glide over the thin patches of ice on this April 1st pond. CRACK!! ...then I answered that call from the owners of the AFH... SPLASH. In I went, immersed in April First Crap. :( It was cold, lonely, scary, maddening, ... ugh.
But, here I am on April 2nd. The light has followed the darkness. The sunrise is persistent. There is no stopping the next moment in life from occurring. I find myself a few steps away from the cracked ice and a safe distance to the shore, I'm out of the freezing water, and have been dried off and warmed-up by a decent night's rest, ... and ... I pick myself back up. ... I put one foot in front of the other. ... And as a friend told me back in October, when Wayne broke his leg and the dominoes began to tumble into their current "design" that they lay in today, "all you have to do is breathe"... "that's it. the only thing you need to do, is breathe. Everything else can wait and you need to stop all of the other stuff. just breathe. ..."
And that's about all I can do. Breathe. ...just breathe, julie... another one... okay, good. ... breathe. okay, again. ... just breathe.......
[Verse 1]: Was 27, surviving my return to Saturn.
A long vacation didn't sound so bad.
Was full of secrets locked up,
Tied like Iron Mountain.
Running on empty, so out of gas.
[Hook]: Thought I wasn't enough,
Found I wasn't so tough.
Laying on the bathroom floor.
We were living on a fault line,
And I felt the fault was all mine.
Couldn't take it anymore.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
[Verse 2]: I thank my sister for keeping,
My head above the water (above the water).
When the truth was like swallowing sand.
Now, every morning,
There is no more mourning.
Oh, I can finally see myself again.
[Hook]: I know I am enough, possible to be loved.
It was not about me.
Now I have to rise above,
Let the universe call the bluff.
Yeah, the truth will set you free.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
[Bridge]: That way, no, that way no.
Not in the name, in the name of love.
That way, no, that way, no.
I am not giving up.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
I picked myself back up.
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
A long vacation didn't sound so bad.
Was full of secrets locked up,
Tied like Iron Mountain.
Running on empty, so out of gas.
[Hook]: Thought I wasn't enough,
Found I wasn't so tough.
Laying on the bathroom floor.
We were living on a fault line,
And I felt the fault was all mine.
Couldn't take it anymore.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
[Verse 2]: I thank my sister for keeping,
My head above the water (above the water).
When the truth was like swallowing sand.
Now, every morning,
There is no more mourning.
Oh, I can finally see myself again.
[Hook]: I know I am enough, possible to be loved.
It was not about me.
Now I have to rise above,
Let the universe call the bluff.
Yeah, the truth will set you free.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
[Bridge]: That way, no, that way no.
Not in the name, in the name of love.
That way, no, that way, no.
I am not giving up.
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
I picked myself back up.
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror).
[Chorus]: By the grace of God,
(There was no other way.)
I picked myself back up.
(I knew I had to stay.)
I put one foot in front of the other and I,
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
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