Manifest-ering

On Saturday morning, as Morgan and I walked to the car after a sleepover at one of her friend's house, she mentioned Wayne for the first time in 12+ days. "I hope daddy is okay.... I wish I could see him--can I visit him at the hospital?" "Absolutely. Let's head there now. Okay?" "REALLY?!?! Oh thank you Mom! Thank you!" as she tilts her head to the left, places her prayer-shaped hands on her left cheek, and bats her eyelashes. (She is "Gone With The Wind" girly-dramatic--I can actually imagine her saying, "I do declare!")

Then, a few seconds later, "Mommyyyyy? I'm scared to see daddy," Morgan said timidly. So, we talked through it and what to expect and what our plan was and how long we would stay and what did she feel our purpose was in going there and what we are not going to do while there, talked about what she was scared of, talked about all of it during the 15 minute Express Lane drive south to Harborview.

As I turn onto 9th Ave, I can feel my lip go numb and my breathing get shallow and exaggerated... I hate seeing the Emergency Room entrance... it all rushes back:

racing from Northwest Hospital on 2008-April-02 to Harborview, not knowing where to go, not knowing if Wayne died in the ambulance during the emergent transfer, having to get into the parking garage and unload Morgan and the stroller and the diaper bag, unsurely approaching the Harborview West Entrance and if this is where we were supposed to be, seeing several people leaving Harborview carrying plastic, bright neon orange Harborview Discharge bags... "Please let Wayne get one of those bags someday," I say under my breath.  "I hope we get an orange bag..." I said to my mom walking beside me as I push the stroller through the automatic doors. The possibility that he may not leave the hospital at all but rather have one last transfer, to the morgue, was very real.

We easily find parking on a side street, and before we get out to visit Wayne, I turn to Morgan and calmly and matter-of-factly explain, "Because daddy almost died here [5 years ago], the sounds and smells and seeing certain things can be very stressful to me. It also brings back a lot of stressful memories. And when I am that stressed, I can have a difficult time breathing and staying calm.  So, I am going to have music playing in my left ear [through my hands free earpiece connected to the KindleFire] to keep my brain busy and to help keep me calm. I hope we can stay until you are ready to go, but I might need to leave if I get too stressed-out." She agrees to this plan.  I also acknowledge "if you get too stressed out or scared, we can leave at any time. Just tell me when you want to leave..."