Losing Wayne

I feel as though I am starting to lose the memory of the pre-stroke Wayne. And you know it's bad when you watch a video of the two of you from before the stroke, and it just doesn't even feel familiar...
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!


... maybe only when that memory fades, is when the true healing begins.

Maybe I've been in limbo this whole time. I thought from 18 months to nearly 3 years post-stroke, that I've been doing a great job of healing and becoming present again... but maybe I have to allow that old life, that previous relationship, that man I loved with all of my heart... maybe I have to say 'GoodBye' to all of it in order to accept this oh-so-different marriage, life, raising a child, single-driver, life-partnership...

I don't want the memory to fade... but I don't want to stay this mournful, this lonesome, this isolated, this fearful ... I want to move forward.

I thought I was moving forward, but the fear I have tonight of losing a "video image" of the old him is indicating to me that I must be desperately clinging to the old: the old life, the old "rules" we operated under, the old conversations, the old partnership, the old plans, the old hopes, the old frustrations, the old good and the old bad.

The visual I'm seeing is that I'm underwater, holding my breath, dark and deep water surrounds me, the surface is not visible, my face is illuminated though with bright, yellowish light, bubbles sweep from my mouth past my cheeks and into my hair, my eyes are wide and desperate looking, hair floating and billows when disturbed by the bubbles from my mouth, and I'm holding onto these items that give me meaning, give me purpose, give me memories full of love and laughter and connection. They define my 9 years with Wayne before the stroke. They are my entire adult life.... these items are keeping me underwater though... I have to let them go... I have to release them and get to the surface.

But, I keep clinging to these memories, to the identity of Wayne&Julie, to the visual of Wayne walking normally or even running or working in the yard with two strong arms. I cling to the conversations we used to have in the backyard. I visualize him swinging in the hammock and rocking himself with a push-off of his right foot. I cling to the late night two-step dance we would do every Friday night when we got home--Billy Joel, "She's Always a Woman". I cling to our hopes for this house. I cling to our talks about what kinds of parents we would help each other be. I missed just being new-parents with him (as we were in 2008 before the stroke occurred). I hear us goofily singing "Come What May" to each other (from Moulin Rouge) the week of our wedding... over, and over, and over again. LOL :)

I keep holding all of these items close because they don't deserve to be at the bottom of the ocean, deteriorating and being forgotten, and not being re-played over and over again, and his stupid jokes he used to tell laughed at again and again in my head... I want so desperately to hold onto these, but no matter how much I try right now... they are slipping through my fingers. I can't hold on, no matter how much I want to. No matter how much I try to force my mind to remember and see it, to hear it, to just feel it be "normal" one. last. time.

UPDATE #2: Cranioplasty is scheduled: March 6th

Date: Friday, March 6, 2009, 4:12 PM

Update: I went back to see Wayne at about 1 PM in the Recovery Room area and he was groggy from the anesthesia but looked really good. He was extubated (breathing tube out of his throat) and I'll say it again... he was looking really great!

The original plan communicated by the surgeon was to have him moved to an ICU floor for 'close watching' until tomorrow (Saturday) morning. At that time the plan was to move him to an acute care floor, where patients move when they are more stable.

So, what actually happened was, while I was in the Recovery Room talking to the nurse, he said that Wayne was moving to the 6th floor in the Norm Maleng building which in an acute care floor. I said, "Really? They said he'd go to ICU." And the nurse confirmed that he was doing so well that he was being moved straight to the acute care floor. YAY!!!

I have gone in to see him twice at 2:00 and at 3:00 and he is just looking so great! Three friends have also seen him now and they are AMAZED! They said they couldn't believe how great he looked.

I'll send another update when I can. Morgan is napping right now, so "all is good". ;)

Sincerely,
Julie Bacon

UPDATE: Cranioplasty is scheduled: March 6th

Date: Fri, 6 Mar 2009 10:55:50 -0800

So, Wayne was taken back at 7:40 from the admitting room.

And now I just got an update that "they are closing". So that seems to be GREAT news that it's done seemingly "early" (and the fact that no one came out to tell me of any complicatoins during the surgery).

Soooo... YAY!!!!

I was also told that it will be anywhere from 30 minutes to one hour before I get to go back to see him. But, Dr. Kim, our surgeon, will be coming to talk to me shortly and telling me more about the surgery, how it went, etc., etc.

I will be in touch more in a bit (or when I can). I met some great ladies in the waiting room, so they have been talking with me to pass the time, telling me their story, and me telling ours. Right now one of the gals is walking around with Morgan so I can type this.

Also, I'd like to say THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU for all of the positive energy you have been sending us, your hopes and dreams for us, helping us to succeed with the hurdles we've encountered this year, and for your continued support and love.

Sincerely,
Julie Bacon